Three months ago, I could barely leave my house. Even at home, the anxiety and panic would overwhelm me at times, leaving me feeling pretty worthless, irritable, and probably not that much fun to be around. 

As I write this, my brain wants to just skip to the good part, but the messy middle is always where the gems lie. You have to root around in the muck to find the diamonds and pearls.

It was a long, slow descent and not wholly unexpected as we globally became more aware of words like "viral load" and ideas of contamination. For someone like me, diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) more than ten years ago, the pandemic was both a blessing and a curse. Isolation brought me relief and control over my environment (it also brought its own brand of loneliness, new anxieties, a whole lot of reckoning, and some really, really good stuff, too).

When the world started opening up and I was feeling forced to adapt to life outside the confines of my bubble is when things...

This tough exterior I always considered part of my being has served me well at times, even and especially as a highly sensitive person. I know, it seems dichotomous, but so many of us actually embody both things because we must in order to survive this world.

But survival isn't our only option. Thriving and expanding are also here for us, and as rebels, we often need to remember that we are not alone in this work, and that it isn't a sign of weakness to ask for support. 

Recently, I hosted a week long training all about copywriting. I've done this particular training before, so I wasn't starting from scratch, though I was stretching my wings a little further with how I was delivering the info and creating an offer for an upcoming marketing program. 

The biggest stretch, beyond writing new content and diving in deeper to my own copywriting and marketing efforts, was asking for help. And not just the asking, but then allowing myself to receive it, openly. 

When I...

Yesterday, I was listening to a couple episodes of The Mel Robbins Podcast while driving kids around for various activities and food drop-offs. While I love most of what Mel Robbins puts out in the world, I was particularly struck by her view of "Imposter Syndrome," and keep coming back to it in my mind.

We all know it's a load of crap, but Mel doesn't even want us to go there. She wants to discount its existence all together because even the title of that feeling brings about this energy of falsehood. Instead, Robbins said, we need to think of ourselves as beginners or learners. 

Regardless of where we are on the path of achieving a goal or a dream, there is always more to learn. So we don't need to even worry about imposter syndrome!

This stuck with me because it's a feeling I've dealt with on and off much of my adult life. As a writer, as a teacher, as a business owner, and a leader.

But you know what? Mel's right. It's a bullshit feeling and we don't need to...

Today, I am sitting with a combination of wonder, gratitude, and unease. This is a common duality that many of us hold. 

I practice seeing what's right in front of me, nurturing the mindful awareness of sights, sounds, and the divine energy of the people around me. It's how we get through the anxiety with a clear path of inviting in more joy and spending less time worried about the uncertainty of life as a whole.

I talk about the weather a lot. Sometimes I think it's a mundane habit, but actually I think it's more because it affects us all. We have had unusually warm temps here in the midwest this week. Beautiful, warm, sunny days and I've relished in the comfort of the air on my skin and the glow of sunshine on my face.

It won't last, though. Today, the clouds have begun to move in and the northern winds are sweeping down. Mix this in with a full moon lunar eclipse, the US midterm election, and changing our clocks, it's kinda been one hell of a transitional week. 

So what...

In my previous days of teaching ninth grade English Literature classes, I would talk with students about the different stages of the Hero’s Journey (I wish there were a non-gendered word for that.) Anyway… as we would read through parts of The Odyssey, Homer's Epic poem from ancient Greece, we would try to make sense of the actions and words of the main character, Odysseus. 

Odysseus sets out on a quest with challenges, dark times, and uncertainty ahead. His ego gets in the way. His flaws prevent him from getting back home. At one point, the journey takes him to an Abyss. In the story, the Abyss is the literal underworld and in order to escape, he must transform. It is imperative for our hero to change his ways, his mindset, and his understanding of his place in the world if he ever hopes to make it back home. 

Metaphorically, we can understand the abyss as the challenging, dark places we come to on the journey of our own lives. Just like...

It is often a matter of simple inquiry. Dr. T would say to me: "What if..." and then I knew a shift in perspective would eventually come. 

"What if you just let it be there?"

"What if you could allow more space for it?"

"What if you stopped fighting so hard?"

The "it" of course, was the fear. It shows up as anxiety in the mind, fearful thoughts, and very real physical symptoms of panic that run the gamut between just a little uneasy to full a on dissociative sense of unreality, like Alice in Wonderland where the floor grows and shrinks underneath her.

What if... I just allowed it to be there, made more space for it to exist, rather than fighting it or wishing it would just go away? That simple shift created breathing room and a sense of self-compassion (instead of the "why am I this way" or "I need to fix this" thoughts and feelings that don't do anybody any good). 

I distinctly remember the moment when I realized that fear and anxiety was never going away. That nothing I...

So, a couple weeks ago I started with a new therapist.

Dr. T, who was the amazing psychologist I worked with on and off for more than 10 years, retired at the end of 2021. Dr. T referred me to this new guy because he helped mentor him and knew it would be a good fit.

Dr. T was right, and even though it took 6 months to get an appointment with Mr. New Guy (post about our healthcare system needing funding and support another time...), I'm glad I got in to see him ...and whoa, is it intense--in the best of ways.

Some of you know me pretty well and have seen my stories and struggles over the years with OCD and anxiety. I talk openly about the importance of mental health and finding ways to cope and heal that work for each individual. There are always peaks and valleys with this work, like life itself, it ebbs and flows.

Mr. New Guy has an in depth approach to diagnosis and treatment--which, if I'm consistent, will lead to quick transformation (especially since I've been down this road...

In 2010, I wrote an outline and table of contents for a book entitled, The Next Evolution, which is still waiting patiently to be written.

It's not that I stopped evolving, in fact quite the opposite has occurred. The shifts in my life, the ebbs and flow of relationship, of children growing, of jobs and money and all the life learning put me right where I needed to be in order to navigate this year we've just had.

Without the psychological and spiritual tools in my back pocket, this pandemic year could have looked much, much different. But that's a story for another time. Today, I am being drawn to return to the idea of The Next Evolution. 

Who are we meant to be? Collectively and Individually, this humanity and time we are living in? And how do we even get there?

Over the last year there have been many conversations in different spiritual and communal arenas about Ascension, the 5th Dimension, elevating consciousness, etc., and it's not lost on me that at the same time we...

It’s not gone. It’s just quieter, I think as I take a second bite of the salmon. I’m still often weighing the effects of different foods on my body. I am still often reminding myself with first or third bites that what I’m ingesting is not going to have adverse affects. Sometimes I know it will and am willing to take the risks (sugar) and other times it’s enough to stop me mid-bite and reassess the whole situation. I’ll eat around the offending piece. I’ll slyly slip the dog some morsels so it isn’t wasted. 

OCD isn’t gone. It’s managed and settled. It’s livable.

I don’t really want to go anywhere.

Not sure how much covid is a reason or an excuse.

I am taking many good, long, hard looks in the mirror--especially after disagreements about exposures and decisions. 

The dark night of the soul, they call it. But I had that years ago. I only get glimpses now and am able to acknowledge and work with what...

I’m continually referring back to my teachers--the ones I want to be like, emulate their ability to stay centered amid chaos. I’m better at it myself these days, one of the benefits I guess of a world wide pandemic is that on the other side of sheer panic is a choice to surrender.

I take mindfulness classes. And remember to look in front of me and around me and see the beauty. The stubble of my teenage son’s face reminding me of the passage of time, and the sound of laughter as he and his sisters play another round of rummikub. 

I have all that I need. I am lucky. There is food, shelter, and love. What else on earth do I need?

Suddenly, I feel stripped of the need to strive for something grand. I have always wanted to do big things, and at the root never understood that it was because I wanted to feel important. Like I meant something to the world around me.

 July 19, 2020

But I’m learning, too, that that is a given. I AM enough. I am already...